"I'm fine"

Years ago I sent my mother a card - I was a flight attendant at the time, living in Houston, the card was just a note to say "hi" and tell her what I was up to. The front of the card was a picture of water with someones arms sticking up out of the ripples as if they were drowning. When you opened the card up the caption read 'I'm fine'. I thought it was hysterical -Clearly they were not fine and to boot "I'm fine" was a running joke between my mother and I. At the age of 13, despite the intense pain from an about to rupture appendix - I told one of my mother's friends, a nurse who came to check on me, at home, alone, sick "Oh, no...Don't worry about me, I'm fine." I said in agony.

That card has been the very definition of my life for years. I railed against taking my Ritalin in the 6th grade when I was finally diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), despite the fact that it made life a bit more manageable. I started to really hate the fact that I had to take this med while in high school -Although school, work, cheer leading, skiing, soccer, caring for my brothers, life, etc.. would have been impossible with out it. Finally in college, all grown up (yeah right) and knowing full well what was best for me (not) I stopped taking my Ritalin all together. And for years, regardless of all the signs that said - life would be better, easier, happier, more manageable, productive, fun, - if I would just sit down with my doctor and figure out what medication would be best for me -- I wouldn't. I don't even like to take aspirin, I hate the jittery, not in control feeling I got when I took my Ritalin...

A husband, two kids and a lot of years later I finally decided it wouldn't hurt to just go and ask the question. Could life be easier? My MD, a new Doctor who does not know me very well, took the approach that he did not want to write a prescription for someone who has not been on ADD medication in 13 years. Drug seeker? I could be I suppose... Drug dealer? I suppose it's not impossible.. But I just wanted help. So I took the referral for the psychiatrist and accepted the fact that I might have to start all over from square one. I was not looking forward to all the testing and talking and blah blah blah that might be necessary to be re-diagnosed with ADD but I was willing to try. Willing to try is something I have not been in a long time, hell with regards to my ADD, maybe never.

Last Tuesday, with children in tow, I packed us up, got in the car and headed off to the psychiatrists office. Both dreading how to sit and talk to a doctor while the girls squirmed and interrupted and asked to leave, go potty, eat, drink, etc... And hopeful that they would do all of the above and the distraction would further my cause. Grace sat like a dream and watched Toy Story 2 on her portable DVD player. Lily, Dr. Morgan, a mother of 20 and 21 year old daughters, who are 16 months apart knows exactly what my life is like. As she was telling me this I was wondering if her first hand knowledge of my life would work in my favor or against me. It would not be unusual for a mother of 2 children so young and so close in age to have difficulty starting and completing a task. After about 45 minutes of questions and discussion and a few tests and working through why I stopped managing my ADD so many years ago - I got the help I was hoping for. Not the medication I was hoping for, but it's a start.

I have been taking Concerta for a week now and there is a marked difference. It's not been a miracle -- I believe the dosage is still too low and the side effects are a bit of a bummer. But last Wednesday I took my pill, got distracted with something the girls needed, or were doing, couldn't remember if I had taken my med and took it again. That was probably the best day I had this whole week with regards to follow through and ability to keep some semblance of order.

It's empowering to know that things could be different if I really wanted them to. It feels a bit more manageable leaving the house this week. I am more confident that I probably do have everything we need -- And I have most certainly made fewer trips between car and house in my attempt to go... anywhere. This house is still in disarray but the laundry is done, washed, dried, folded and put away. That alone is quite a feat for me! Pretty sad, huh?

So my head is still bobbing under water and I might still be pretending that I'm okay, but I am one step closer to reaching out and grabbing the life ring. This has been only the first step to making a change. Staying on the medication, working through the side effects... if I do that, then I can honestly say "I'm fine." and mean it.